I started college a month ago. It's different than I thought it would be. I thought I would make so many friends and would always be having fun, but its not like that. I made a lot of friends at the start, but they all joined frats and there are a lot of times I feel alone. I do have friends, but I'm in college, I want to meet a lot of people, you know? Maybe, the real problem is that I want to meet more boys. All the guys I know are obsessed with hooking up and who they've laid. And even those guys I don't see often, because of their duty to their respective fraternities. I want to meet a group of people NOT in a frat. People I can have fun with, you know? I love my roommate and my other friends! I really do! Its just different because they are all in relationships so they probably never feel fully alone. Meanwhile, here I am feeling as empty as ever. There is this guy, he's sweet and makes me feel special but sometimes I don't know where we are at. I feel like our relationship was a lot more exciting when I was talking to other guys. There are so many complications with this guy, some in my own head and others that are serious and real. I love talking to him, I just don't know what it will lead to and I don't know what I want.
When I see a cute guy I choke up. All my confidence leaves and I act like a loser. People tell me I am pretty and that when I'm in college boys will be falling for me. Well, I'm in college and boys are not necessarily falling for me. All the guys I have met have wanted one thing. Sex. and not with me, just in general. They don't care with who or when, they just do. It was a harsh reality, but it was true. I want to find someone I am completely head over heels into that wants me just as much. But I don't think life works that way, at least for me.
I'm not happy right now, and I don't know what I can do to fix it. The struggle of balancing my grades with trying to have a thriving social life is hard. It is so hard. I'm scared and I feel alone. I'm clueless and lost and in need of guidance. I feel ugly and worthless. I don't like feeling like this but I do.
