Find me.

Sometimes i feel i am made for something different... i go to a school where everyone is rich, white, and gorgeous. Me? oh, i am middle class, pacific islander, irish, and spanish and more average looking if anything at all. People say they like my eyes but compared to everyone in my big school my eyes dull out to all the model type girls. at my old school i was popular because it was a small school, here i do know a lot of people but sometimes i have that wanting to be on that popular side, even if i do sometimes get annoyed with them it would feel good to be the one envied sometimes. i see how that boys do anything for those girls to notice them. i wish i could feel that. i have been wondering if i should start hanging out if some of my friends who are on that popular side. some how though i have a feeling that if i do start hanging out with them i might miss how it feels to be normal again. because i feel that if i am on that poplular side i wont have really real friends because they might be all superficial and just care about them selves. i don't know what i am suppose to do.

In the mean time, it is christmas break. Merry Christmas Everyone! over christmas break i have been watching this really cute anime... yes, i know i am a dork, but its only when i have nothing else to do, and its kind a secret that i watch these things so shhhhh! well i was watching this one where this mermaid saves this boy when they were really young and then seven years later, the mermaid goes to the human world to find him. this whole time the boy loves that mermaid and when the human form of the mermaid finds him shes happy but can't say shes a mermaid or else she'll turn into bubbles (lol cheesy) well through out the whole series she is trying to show clues that she is the mermaid that he is in love with. but then he starts falling in love with her human form. at the end of the first season he finds out and then its all good because he loves both forms of her. lol well i was watching this and thought about love and how i really want to experience it sometime soon. i've had my fair share in boyfriends but they were when i was younger. Its been a year since i have had one because i dont want just someone to waste my time on. i want it to be real this time. but it even though i know it will be hard, i know love will find me.

...they never get me.

is it possible to hate your parents so much you just want to run away. They never get me... especially my mom who i wish i tell everything to but she just scolds me. Every time i try to talk to her she finds something wrong and shouts at me... i wish i could tell her everything just like i hear all their moms are like... but i could never tell my mom this. im never perfect enough. she always says she doesnt have a favorite but i know its my sister. my sister is the most perfect person i have ever met, so nice, smart, loving and never a disappointment. but im like the black sheep, even how hard i try i never reach thier expectations.

why always the wrong boy? :/

Why do i always fall for the wrong boy? if you read the entry before this you will know about the guy with the girlfriend in my school. well its so frustrating i tell myself to stop but when ever i kind of stop he does something cute and nice to me that pushes me in the wrong direction again! ugh! ... --- its like when ever im not with him i see a chance to forget him but once i see him everything comes back 10x harder. my heart beats faster for a boy who is wrong for me... i hate how i cant stop! i know its so wrong that i like another girl's guy, i know how it feels to have a girl like a guy that was with me. it hurts.

i'm just a girl...

first few weeks in high school and everything changes... a new start. well anyway i am so mad at myself! it seem like all the time i fall for the wrong guy!!!!!!!!!!! this recent guy has a girlfriend and i can't help but like him. its like im setting myself up for disappointment... ugh!!!!!!!!!! man why do i do this to myself. first this guy at camp with the same situation and now this guy whats wrong with me!!! ----- a long time ago i met this guy ( the one from camp) and i totally fell for him, it just seemed like he got me even if i acted weird i knew he was not going anywhere. Then one day he texts me and tells me he broke up with his girlfriend... it was like my prayers have been answered, but i guess this was not the case... when my friend and her big mouth told him i liked her everything changed... my heart was ripped and for some reason i couldn't feel the same way with a guy anymore like there was always something missing. Then out of no where i meet this guy at my school and hes different then the other guys he makes me feel whole again. although there is still something wrong his girlfriend, but trying to steal him isn't the way to go cuz i kno that if he were mine and a girl tried to steal him my heart would break and not be capable of being fixed...

I hate my life...

I hate my life right now. Here is the story: Yesterday we had a dance... not that i didnt have fun or anything its just this weird girl from my old school was dancing and holding hangs with this guy i really like or..... liked. List of things wrong with my life right now: 1. the whole situation with that boy and that weird girl. 2. at my new school i do have many of friends but not a really close friend that i can tell absolutely everything to, and sometimes, like yesterday, i felt like i really needed someone to talk to. and 3. i need to be more outgoing. i bet if i was more out there a bit i would have been the one holding that guys hand and dancing with him. Well all i can say is that i hope something soon with get better because so far this year school sucks.

love?... i think not :/

Something weird has happened... ive been thinking of this boy a lot. ive known him for 2 years, but only a year ago i liked him over summer, when he found out it was totally awkward... but even though all that happened i know deep inside of my heart that we'll meat again, that we are meant to be one of those extremely weird, out of the blue love stories. i kno he probably doesnt even think of me at all. i kno people must think i absolutly insane for liking this guy but for me the first time i saw him it was different. out of all the guys i kno hes the only one i felt really got me and actually cared to know my interests and stuff like that... but i dont kno anymore.

...what has happened?

In my life everything seems like its going so fast. Next year ill be going into a new school. My sister is getting married. The boy that i thought i loved is going to a different school and i cant take all the changes that are happening all of a sudden... i miss the days were nothing ever changed, where all i had to worry about was looking nice for my crush or just doing my homework... but now everything is hitting me like lighting and i dont have any control over any of this. Some times i wish everything would just freeze so i can just take a breather or something. All of the people ive known for more than 5 years are leaving to different places and schools. My best friend, my sister, is now getting married. Im not her only priority anymore, shes going to go get married, eventually have kids, and have a full, complete life, while ill just be a minor detail to the story. Sometimes i hate being at home, i feel that my parents expect to much from be, to live a outstanding childhood like my sister, but im not capable of that. Im a different person, im not as smart, athletic, family orientated as her. im the black sheep. even though people see me just as the youngest, the one who is in the background smiling, they dont see what really happens behind the scenes or behind the smile, what my life is really like, because they dont understand...

hmmm...

what to say what to say... my parents are all flirty *puke!* i bet they are gonna do it tonight... hahaha well any ways i feel kinda... cant really find a word to describe it... well whatever but i feel like ive been living the same like for sooooo long and ready for something to change... but i already feel like 2009 is the year where my life will change forever... lol i feel really bad for my dog... neighbors have been complaining about his barking so my dad put a collar that vibrates or does something to him when he barks... my dog is sooooo quiet now :( o well thats why i always convince my dad to take it off once i get home from school... lol i kno that this entry is really random... i dont really know what to do. lol

i dont even know...

boys... what is up? i kinda like this one boy he is like the star at basketball... even though basketball isnt one of my most preffered sports it isnt bad... lol it funny tho cuz pretty much my whole family got the basketball gene except for me... o well back to the story. i like him but idk. its not that he doesnt like me back... because i kno that if i told him that i liked him he would most likely like me to... that problem is that when i ever think of telling him something goes in my head and says do you really like him??? and i think yes but i always second guess myself... its really weird... but the year is almost over and i wont see him anymore... so i guess i should pursue it but then again live it up to the fullest right? lol :P

parents...

seriously... what is going on... one minute they are in all lovey dovey mode the next they are all mad a each other like at the weirdest things... the latest one is socks... wtf?!?! how can you get mad over that... o well. thats just them. they are so intersting...

my life as we know it...

hello! my name is jackie... for all i know my life isn't all it seems from the outside... you may think that my family is perfect, i have no problems, and just everything is all together... but you are wrong (for the most part at least) there is always some type of problem in my family, i have problems with my friends, family, and boys...(typical in any girl's teens life) and sometimes i feel like everything is falling apart. this is my life.