Everything is changing again...

Everything is changing again... I'm getting older, no longer a child, gaining responsibility. My sister is pregnant and nothing will be the same anymore. The days i spend with just my sister won't be just two girls out together it will be a mom and her baby and me. I know it sounds really selfish to say things like this but it seems once i get used to something it changes and changes again. And dont get me wrong i love that my sister is pregnant and is having a baby... its just that its going to be different... thats all. I think all that is bothering me is that im going to miss how things used to be... im going to miss it so much... and time is going to fast and soon im going to be leaving for college and my sister will have a whole family and as much as we try it will never be the same because we will be living our own lives and be so caught up that we wont see eachother as much. I try to hang out with her as much as i can because i hope that time would go slower because i can really enjoy it with it her... but i seems like time goes faster and at any moment everything will change again. I know im such a selfish person its just i love her so much and im going to miss how it has been...

wake up...please wake up

you know that boy i talk about a lot, the one with a girl friend... well they broke up and i asked him to sadies (the dance) and he said yes. lol it should sound good but the night was not all that great... the last fifteen minutes were spent with me with my friends and him will this other girl who got stood up... it doesnt sound that bad... but that girl was my friend and i know she got stood up but whatever keep that to your self... man... that sounded mean... well this leads me to what i feel about that boy and how i like him but i shouldn't. i have been trying sooooo hard to stop thinking about him... but all those day dreams keep atacking me... and to top it off, seriously, in my actual dreams he happens to pop into them. this past weekend, something hit me and i realized that i shouldn't like him anymore... like someone woke me up from a long deep sleep. I got to school and it seemed that this new assurance and realization was helping me through the day... that is until i saw him... the wall started to break down. Today is wednesday and i cant stop thinking about him...

Talking to myself in my brain: stop thinking about the good stuff and start also thinking about the bad times... i know you are blinded because you like him to much but you have to open your eyes and see what it is doing to you... you cant do your homework, you cant sleep, you are always paranoid if he is there... so start to think about the bad time... like when he left you at the dance, when if was awkard between you both, the fact that he won't go up to talk to you, and when you do talk now its like you have nothing to talk about... you are starting to hurt yourself so wake up... please wake up.

Is that me?

I was randomly thinking today that everything that we daydream that we want to do but can't is about fear... if you think about it, its kinda true. When we want to go out with a boy we are afraid that our parents will not approve or, for me, get mad for having a boyfriend... which leads you to hiding it from them... another is kissing the boy you like, you are afraid you might get rejected. maybe you want to do something totally out of your comfort level like sky dive or i don't know anything, but you don't because your to scared. i go to high school and i see girls with the perfect life, the ones that have boyfriends and bring them to meet their family and their parents trust them, those same girls that are way to popular and gorgeous for their own good. I always think can you really get that far on the popularity chart by being pretty and skinny? I answer I'm guessing is yes... but there is another thing why those same girls with their perfect life are where they are. Its because they are not afraid to put them selves out there, even if they do get humiliated. That's because they have so much self confidence and probably don't give a damn about what people say. I see that some people are purely lucky and some just work to get were they want to be...

Another thing that i was thinking today was that i seem different then my old self but in reality i'm trying not to be. The past years i was so outgoing and so able to put my self out there. i was that girl with the boyfriend, the one people envied, the one with confidence. Now i look at my self and don't always recognize my reflection anymore. my appearance hasn't really changed but compared to the other girls at my new big school im not that pretty. I used to have boyfriends but the boys at this new school all go for the same girl, gorgeous, stick skinny, blond girls. And because of all of this im losing my confidence and im losing who i used to be... and all i can do is try to find my old self in my reflection on the mirror but all i can say is "is that me?"