Friday, May 20, 2011

...too weak

My friend has this band... I could say that I am friends with them... but now that I think about it, they are exposed to a new herizon of people, soon to have seas of fans, and millions of girls falling over them. I realized that me, being the one person that I am, probably doesnt have the impact to have them remember me forever. One day, they are going to be big and I will just be a stranger walking down the street and seeing posters of thier band playing this coming weekend. I will no longer be considered a friend but a person the lead singer once knew, a memory that is soon to fade away. I might see them tomorrow... and although my friend, the lead singer, tells me that I should hang out with them. I can't help to feel the distance... the feeling where they are not even on my level anymore. Maybe its just me being doubtful or lacking self confidence but the feeling is real and at times it hurts. It hurts knowing that your too weak to accept them becoming famous and too weak to know that you are good enough to hang out with them. I have to keep reminding my self that I am good enough... and if i just stay the way i am and be myself its better than forming into the template of thier fangirls. I don't know what I really want with that group of guys... it could be a boyfriend, guy friends, the music, or it could just be that i want to be close to them. Some of those guys, I've known since I was in elementry school, we grew up together... plus they are of the few that i actually liked because everyone else were douchebags... So i guess it goes back to how I hate the feeling of losing people... and broken relationships...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Falling Apart...

Its been a year since my last entry and let me say that many things have changed. The way my family is. My friends. and my out look on life. so here is what i have been feeling:






I may seem okay...from the outside... from the view of my friends, bystanders, and strangers. I may seem okay when my parents fight. I may seem okay when i see my sister and brother-in-law argue. I may seem okay when I am under stress or when I am secretly sad. But deep inside i'm not okay. I always want to enjoy the moment... my last two years at home before college. At the rate things are going its seems like my family is falling apart... My parents havn't talked in two months... my dad pays me to do his laundry... is this what love is? My whole life I believed that love was perfect... very movie-ish. In reality you will alway get hurt it seems. I feel alone going through this. My friends dont understand and my sister has her own problems to deal with. This is my life right now. I am thankful for all the things that my family does for me... its just I wonder what is going to happen when I do go to college? What will happen to my parents... will they still be together or with they split? Will i ever see them again...






All I can do is imagine... imagine the perfect day where my family are all laughing together on sunday during lunch, like how we used to not so long ago... By the coldness between my parents it seems like that was years ago. Everyone was happy back then... no big problems. No running upstairs when you heared the garage door open to avoid the awkwardness. Two more years... although i want to cherish my every moment here i know there is more out there for me. I have to admit that my mom and I have gotten closer since my dad has been MIA. I happy that I know that she is always there for me.