here i am now...

It has been way too long since my last post.  Too long to give an update on everything that has happened to me.  So many changes, so many emotions, so many risks.  My happiness no longer lies where it used to, but in places I never would have thought were possible.  My asylum, no longer lies in the privacy of my room, but the expanding possibilities of the real world.  The rush of all the new people and the unexpected opportunities.  I no run away from fear of being outside of my comfort zone, but avoid the monster of over thinking everything. 

...

PARENTS ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!

I thought I was over you...

There's this boy... we'll name him Elbert... I liked him a couple years ago. He's not the hottest, the smartest, the most outgoing, or the funniest but I liked him for him. After a short while, my crush on him faded and we were no better than acquaintances. The next year, he and his friend would hang out with me and my friend after school. We got close and I heard humors that he was going to ask me to homecoming but nothing happened. Then another year passed and he asked me to prom. Although I was extremely happy, prom did not go as well as I thought it would. It was full of awkward silences, no dancing on his part (which is okay, and I understand), more awkward silences during the after party. It was a weird night. I was disappointed and I didn't even know why...

Months passed and I am where I am now. We talk but he does not talk to me the was he does with everyone else. He acts shy but no effort is given. I know I push people away but I also tried to talk to him but he would not have it. He honesty makes me sad. I wish I could imagine what it would be like to be with him but I can't. I know he's bad for me. He's a bad influence and to be perfectly honest he's really hard to talk to. He makes me nervous and I drives he insane to know that he has that effect on me. I don't want to like him but I do. I want to move on but I don't know where to go. I want to stop thinking about him but every time I sleep he's in my dreams. (seriously though, he's really in my dreams... it creeps me out!) Elbert... why can't I just move on? I thought I was over you... but I'm clearly not.

choices

Today I read this quote that said something like "they told me, 'You don't have to do or be anything you don't want to,' but sometimes you don't have a choice."  

I just want to remember that YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.  It's your life. Even if the other route may seem unattainable or impossible, that doesn't mean it's any less of an option as the others.  If there were situations where there was only one way to deal with it, then the everyone would be the same.  The way you act, respond, and deal with situations makes you who you are.  Your choices make you who you are.  Never forget that.