now

i hooked up with a boy a couple weeks ago.  it was everything i wanted to be: the girl who the guys wanted and was in control.  that feeling was not permanent though, the weeks following were torture.  I was a pawn in another person's game of chess.  the boy i hooked up with ended up having a girl friend.  i kept telling myself that i was happy it happened, and i am.  it's just harder to let go than i thought.  i wanted to be the girl who doesn't get attached but i am.  after a month, i'm still holding on to that one night. the night a hot, charming boy picked me over all the gorgeous, bikini ready, beach blonds at the party.  it was the first time i have ever been so intimately close to anyone.  i guess i'm just scared something that trilling won't happen twice, so i am holding on.

i've resorted to daydreaming again.  i have reached a stalemate in my life... an in-between stage, if you will.  Between summer vacation and moving out, a girl has a lot of time to think about her past life and what awaits for her in the future.  all my friends, close friends, have lost their virginity.  i never thought i would be one of the only ones that still have it.  they all did it with people they really cared for and it hurts me that i wasn't able to experience it.  i've wanted that for so long, but maybe that is why i never got it.  all my friends have experienced the whole relationship: "i'm so in love" thin. then there i am constantly wishing for it.  there are guys who want me but i want to be swooned.  maybe i'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  and the only reason i think it exists is because people settle for something less.  

i would say that recently i have realized that my thoughts have become more corrupt and cynical.  life isn't turning out how i planned it would.  between college, love, family, friends, and growing up... nothing is how i expected.  i always thought that things will always work for the better but that's not the case.  okay, i get that i couldn't get into my dream college, i get it.  i get that there will always be drama within my family or group of friends, okay.  but love, being a hopeless romantic, i always thought love would find a way. it doesn't.  people get trapped, forgotten, unnoticed, taken for granted, and lost when they find someone they care about.  the people i am closest to have shown me this.  i have seen the people i love more than anything hurt more than i can imagine, and there's nothing i can do.  I guess the curse was real.  the closest i have been to being swooned was being a fucking hook up to someone who doesn't give two shits about me now.  i am one of the many girls. 

I have convinced myself that maybe this is the best for me: to just be the girl to hook up with without the emotional relationship shit.  it would definitely help with my career to be an engineer.  which has played another part in my cynicism.  Everyone i am close to struggle with their money and/or use money for the wrong reasons.  money comes between relationships.  i don't that.  i want to be competent and have money not be a problem.  obviously relationships and love aren't for me, as much as i would die to experience being cherished by someone i adore.  it's okay, though.  i've been strong enough for many years and i can do it again.  

sometimes i cry because nothing is as it seemed and now im moving to somewhere i have to pave my own way.  i'm ready.  i am.  i am scared and nervous, but i know i can do this.  this moment is what i have been waiting for.  freedom.  responsibility.  change.  courage.  fearless.