I guess this is goodbye...

"Boy who shall not be named",

I am sad to inform you that I think this is goodbye. I have spent about a year being on and off about liking you. It was an irrational crush. I don't wish I could have taken back the time because it made me who I was. It was because of you I could not focus on my homework or in class. I would be constantly daydreaming of impossible scenarios. You made me exhausted because you would be kept running through my head. I never really knew you but the idea in my head of you was perfect. You were perfect... you SEEMED perfect. I would see your wall on Facebook and envy all those girls that would even get the chance to be close to you. It hurt because I had that chance.

I talk to you now. Though you are nice, all we can talk about is that video game we have in common. I would like to say we are friends, but I'm not quite sure. I would also like to say I am completely over you, but then again I am also not quite sure that is true. You always leave me hanging while we text and it really irks me. I become one with the 'typical girl' routine: constantly checking phone, getting giddy once you finally text me, wondering if what I'm typing is too much. Well, I'm over trying. I am trying to be your friend but you hardly give me a chance. It seems like the only way to get to you is talking about that stupid, addicting, video game and I can't live that way. It seems as though you only talk to me only because I play that certain video game. Well, then I think: Maybe it's a sign! Isn't this how most couples start? Them both liking the same thing and getting to know each other better? Then I think: This won't result in a relationship. If you did not play this game you would have never had the chance. But I do believe things are always meant to be. I believe there is a reason I play wow and so does he.

I know I should not play. My academics and the dreadful junior year would be more challenging with the game going on. At the same time wouldn't it act as a stress reliever? Well I feel like it's irrational, even my sister says so, but I might try and play with him. You never know until you do it, right? Also, even if my sister says its a bad idea, the best way to learn is through your mistakes so shouldn't I make my own? I think it's time to take charge of my own life and take responsibility for myself, because I'm tired for always being the person saying "I should have done it!"

This entry was suppose to be a goodbye to the "boy who shall not be named" but I'll just put him on hold. I won't fawn over him anymore, so goodbye to the fan-girl side of me for him, but I will go with the flow of things, which ever way it turns out. This is also a goodbye to the part of my being that held me back whenever I wanted to do something.

It's the season of fall, the season of change. When all those bloomed flowers fall to the cold weather. It is time for change. Time to transition to the person I want to be. To my past, negative feelings, bad attitude, and irrational actions... I guess this is goodbye.

ruins everything...

my ______ seems to ruin everything! Then i think about it...and in a sense that person is right...

Everything went into place when I remembered this quote: Don't make someone a priority in your life if you are merely an option in theirs.

Why did it have to be me?

Yup... I was the only one of my friends who did not get asked to homecoming. Hmmm well there must be something wrong with me... the worst part is that my friends are guilting me into going. Honestly it is so FUCKING annoying because they don't understand what it's like to be the one who is always being over shined by someone else. Well, maybe they do but that's not the point. I can't help but feel stupid for making such a big deal out of this but I can't help it... it hurts so much. What's wrong with me? am I not attractive enough? not skinny enough? not flirty enough? is it because I refuse to let my boobs hang out like most girls? or maybe its because I'm forgettable. What ever the reason is I am still one of the few girls that have not been asked. I am still stressing about the reasons why it had to be me to go through this pain. Why me? Seriously, why the fuck did it have to be me? I know there is a reason for everything, but if that is the case what is the reason for this? Is there something wrong that this is suppose to serve as a punishment for? UGH! Well... I hope I realize the reason soon... because it really hurts seeing someone getting asked to a dance and know that you may never get to feel that feeling.  All I want is to be ask to a dance or something! I guess I'm just upset that a boy saw something in each of my friends but none of them saw something in me. I just never realized how low I was on the 'how much appeal on guys do you have?' scale until now.  It's unfortunate.  On the bright side I had broken my shyness shell and actually reached out to other people.  That will always be something I have that my friends don't (not in a bitchy or selfish way though).  I hope the reason I was the one to get the short end of the stick is because God knows I'm strong enough to stand it or because there is something good to come out of it... I really hope so...