Maybe it was because I am the baby of my family or because I was always dependent on others, but these past three months have been the hardest three months I have ever had to go through. It was the first time in my life I've felt completely alone. I have no one to turn to, I didn't know who I could trust or who would I could let my guard down around. There were some people I felt finally got me but in a blink of an eye they were gone. No more texts, no more calls, no more contact. I blamed myself. I wondered if it was my personality or because I wouldn't put out. Other times, like with Troy, I could not handle myself well. He was one of the only people who made the first month tolerable but I lost him. I always thought I was good at letting people go, but every time it hurts just the same, never getting easier.
I've experienced things that wouldn't have crossed my mind back at home. For example health scares, most of them just paranoia because I'm a hypochondriac. I was given so much freedom so quickly that I didn't know how to handle myself. There are so many nights I regret, so many things I've done that I wish I could have taken back.
I should have waited. The one thing I've always fantasized about for so long was wasted on someone I hardly had feelings for. Every time I think about it hurts and at times I want to cry.
College has definitely been a different experience than expected. I've discovered so much about myself the hard way. It definitely beats the shit out of you. I don't think I have ever freaked out or stressed as much as I do in college. There are times I feel so stressed about school and other stuff that I start to cry. College is hard but I know it will be worth it. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it and I want to give up, but this is what I wanted. I decided to go somewhere to become stronger; this is making me stronger.
All the boys here just want to hook up. It makes me lose hope for boys. I used to be a hopeless romantic. I would daydream about my perfect love story while listening to music. Sometimes in class my mind wanders around and daydreams, the only difference is now I don't have hope it will happen, because I know for a fact it won't.
With my family not near me and my home not close, two things that would depend on is my heart/love and my friends. Here, at times I have neither.
I tell myself that it will get easier, so hopefully it will. In these past three month I have realized the person i want to become. I used think that sleeping around and hooking up with random people would be fun, but I know now that I don't work that way. I want to be that kind of girl that doesn't care a lot, but i do care. I want to be proud of myself, and so far I can't really say I fully am. I've definitely made my fair share of mistakes in these past three months and I've learned from them. I want to be proud of myself and be happy. I want to like the way I live not just settle to survive.
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