Heroes

Do you ever have that person you wanted to be just like as a child.  Someone that was your role model and inspiration in everything.  That person was my sister.  As a young kid I wanted to be just like her.  I was almost like her exact copy through out elementary school.  I told her everything and looked to her for guidance because she understood me.  She was my hero.

It's ironic because recently we were talking about our parents.  She was telling me how she noticed that as you start to get older you realize that the people you once considered your heroes are human and flawed.  I've been thinking about that conversation recently and instead of my sister relating that revelation to our parents I relate it to her.

As I got older, I started to become my own person.  It seemed like the more I came to her for advice the more she judged me for my mistakes because they were mistakes she never would have made.  We started to drift apart and most of the time I feel like she doesn't understand me.  The past couple of months I've been telling her everything.  But she's unknowingly used that information to hurt me.  Like when I lost my virginity she started to make jokes about it in public like it was nothing.  I'm not a slut or an animal; I have feelings.  Or when I started seeing Carson and I paid for a large part of the first date.  Sure, it was a turn off but she laughed like I was stupid for even considering going out with him again.  It didn't make sense because she told me stories of when she started dating her husband and how he forgot his walet and made her by her water and didn't drink it.  I think I like Carson.  Or I think I like to feel wanted.  I'm not sure.

I know she wonders why I turned out slutty.  I know why.  I don't have dad problems but I was living in a shadow for pretty much all my adolescent life.  Growing up, my accomplishments never met my sisters to my parents.  My accomplishments were always second best.  I didn't feel noticed for a long time. I know my sister sees this a different way like she had it harder.  I think she's only saying that because of her situation now.  Similar to me seeing that my sister as human, my parents also see that my sister is not fully traditional, which is what my parents want.  My sister doesn't see that even though our parents are proud of me now it doesn't matter.  In my developmental years I never felt good enough and all the spot light was on her.  Then by the time it was my turn in the light, it was too late.  My mindset couldn't be changed anymore.

I was always such an open book growing up.  This went on til recently.  I told many friends everything.  I told my sister everything.  Although many times she has helped, a lot of other times it has come back to bite me and there's no one else to blame but myself.  I feel hesitant to tell anyone anything because it just makes things more complicated and dramatic.  I don't know if this is maturity or the result of getting hurt too many times.

I don't know who my heroes are anymore.  However, two aspects that I admire from my sister, my mom, and my grandma is their discretion and strength.

Saying Goodbye to 2013

Going into 2013, I knew that this year would one of the most monumental years of my adolescent life.  I was right.  In 2013, I have experienced so many first and so many changes.  This year I had my first real kiss with Vicente from Chile, my first hot make out sesh with Nick H, my first time with Freddie, my first orgasm from Hayden and my first time sleeping next to a boy, Troy.  There were a lot of other fond and not so fond memories in that category.  (bs, vc)

This past year consisted of the first time I went to a real party.  It was also the year I first tried _.  From high school parties to college ones, I can say I had great highs and also some intense lows.  I would never trade the happiness I've felt from the good vibes and the company.  At the same time, I've learned so much from those nights and mornings were I completely regret what ever happened right before.

The last semester of high school was, honestly, the only semester I enjoyed.  I lost 25 lbs and felt noticed.  I was invited to two proms and had a new confidence in myself.

This year I graduated from high school and completed my first semester at college. I experienced my first time living away from my parents. I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be.  This year holds some of my fondest memories and some of my darkest recollections.  I'm not going to lie, this year has been hard.  I've struggled with school, my friends, boys, and internally with myself.  I was lost for a while.  It felt like I was making a lot of bad choices too often.

The first few months in college, I was trying to be the girl I always dreamed of being in high school.  The girl who was always desired and never rejected.  I was so done being invisible for so long. I didn't just want one person to notice me, I wanted everyone to notice me.  The first couple months it seemed like I was making out with a different guy every week.  I liked the attention.  The newness and excitement of college started to wear off and the homesickness started to kick in. I was on my way on a downward spiral.  I hit a low point that I never experienced before.  I lost it to someone who I didn't love and wasn't even close to loving. The weeks that followed were hard.  Prior to this incident, I knew I had to change but this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. At the time, I felt broken and I felt alone.  I confided in people but it didn't matter how many people I told.  The weight I bared never got lighter because it was my problem and I caused it and I was the only one who could deal with it.   After some time I learned to forgive myself and move on.

I'm still figuring out who I want to become but at least I know who I don't want to be.  I've learned so much and felt so much this year.  When I look back on 2013, I only think good things because the impact it had on me has shaped the person I am today.  So goodbye 2013, 2014 please be good to me.

Song I ended the year with:
Shake It Out - Florence and the Machine