Heroes

Do you ever have that person you wanted to be just like as a child.  Someone that was your role model and inspiration in everything.  That person was my sister.  As a young kid I wanted to be just like her.  I was almost like her exact copy through out elementary school.  I told her everything and looked to her for guidance because she understood me.  She was my hero.

It's ironic because recently we were talking about our parents.  She was telling me how she noticed that as you start to get older you realize that the people you once considered your heroes are human and flawed.  I've been thinking about that conversation recently and instead of my sister relating that revelation to our parents I relate it to her.

As I got older, I started to become my own person.  It seemed like the more I came to her for advice the more she judged me for my mistakes because they were mistakes she never would have made.  We started to drift apart and most of the time I feel like she doesn't understand me.  The past couple of months I've been telling her everything.  But she's unknowingly used that information to hurt me.  Like when I lost my virginity she started to make jokes about it in public like it was nothing.  I'm not a slut or an animal; I have feelings.  Or when I started seeing Carson and I paid for a large part of the first date.  Sure, it was a turn off but she laughed like I was stupid for even considering going out with him again.  It didn't make sense because she told me stories of when she started dating her husband and how he forgot his walet and made her by her water and didn't drink it.  I think I like Carson.  Or I think I like to feel wanted.  I'm not sure.

I know she wonders why I turned out slutty.  I know why.  I don't have dad problems but I was living in a shadow for pretty much all my adolescent life.  Growing up, my accomplishments never met my sisters to my parents.  My accomplishments were always second best.  I didn't feel noticed for a long time. I know my sister sees this a different way like she had it harder.  I think she's only saying that because of her situation now.  Similar to me seeing that my sister as human, my parents also see that my sister is not fully traditional, which is what my parents want.  My sister doesn't see that even though our parents are proud of me now it doesn't matter.  In my developmental years I never felt good enough and all the spot light was on her.  Then by the time it was my turn in the light, it was too late.  My mindset couldn't be changed anymore.

I was always such an open book growing up.  This went on til recently.  I told many friends everything.  I told my sister everything.  Although many times she has helped, a lot of other times it has come back to bite me and there's no one else to blame but myself.  I feel hesitant to tell anyone anything because it just makes things more complicated and dramatic.  I don't know if this is maturity or the result of getting hurt too many times.

I don't know who my heroes are anymore.  However, two aspects that I admire from my sister, my mom, and my grandma is their discretion and strength.