Heroes

Do you ever have that person you wanted to be just like as a child.  Someone that was your role model and inspiration in everything.  That person was my sister.  As a young kid I wanted to be just like her.  I was almost like her exact copy through out elementary school.  I told her everything and looked to her for guidance because she understood me.  She was my hero.

It's ironic because recently we were talking about our parents.  She was telling me how she noticed that as you start to get older you realize that the people you once considered your heroes are human and flawed.  I've been thinking about that conversation recently and instead of my sister relating that revelation to our parents I relate it to her.

As I got older, I started to become my own person.  It seemed like the more I came to her for advice the more she judged me for my mistakes because they were mistakes she never would have made.  We started to drift apart and most of the time I feel like she doesn't understand me.  The past couple of months I've been telling her everything.  But she's unknowingly used that information to hurt me.  Like when I lost my virginity she started to make jokes about it in public like it was nothing.  I'm not a slut or an animal; I have feelings.  Or when I started seeing Carson and I paid for a large part of the first date.  Sure, it was a turn off but she laughed like I was stupid for even considering going out with him again.  It didn't make sense because she told me stories of when she started dating her husband and how he forgot his walet and made her by her water and didn't drink it.  I think I like Carson.  Or I think I like to feel wanted.  I'm not sure.

I know she wonders why I turned out slutty.  I know why.  I don't have dad problems but I was living in a shadow for pretty much all my adolescent life.  Growing up, my accomplishments never met my sisters to my parents.  My accomplishments were always second best.  I didn't feel noticed for a long time. I know my sister sees this a different way like she had it harder.  I think she's only saying that because of her situation now.  Similar to me seeing that my sister as human, my parents also see that my sister is not fully traditional, which is what my parents want.  My sister doesn't see that even though our parents are proud of me now it doesn't matter.  In my developmental years I never felt good enough and all the spot light was on her.  Then by the time it was my turn in the light, it was too late.  My mindset couldn't be changed anymore.

I was always such an open book growing up.  This went on til recently.  I told many friends everything.  I told my sister everything.  Although many times she has helped, a lot of other times it has come back to bite me and there's no one else to blame but myself.  I feel hesitant to tell anyone anything because it just makes things more complicated and dramatic.  I don't know if this is maturity or the result of getting hurt too many times.

I don't know who my heroes are anymore.  However, two aspects that I admire from my sister, my mom, and my grandma is their discretion and strength.

Saying Goodbye to 2013

Going into 2013, I knew that this year would one of the most monumental years of my adolescent life.  I was right.  In 2013, I have experienced so many first and so many changes.  This year I had my first real kiss with Vicente from Chile, my first hot make out sesh with Nick H, my first time with Freddie, my first orgasm from Hayden and my first time sleeping next to a boy, Troy.  There were a lot of other fond and not so fond memories in that category.  (bs, vc)

This past year consisted of the first time I went to a real party.  It was also the year I first tried _.  From high school parties to college ones, I can say I had great highs and also some intense lows.  I would never trade the happiness I've felt from the good vibes and the company.  At the same time, I've learned so much from those nights and mornings were I completely regret what ever happened right before.

The last semester of high school was, honestly, the only semester I enjoyed.  I lost 25 lbs and felt noticed.  I was invited to two proms and had a new confidence in myself.

This year I graduated from high school and completed my first semester at college. I experienced my first time living away from my parents. I've learned so much about myself and who I want to be.  This year holds some of my fondest memories and some of my darkest recollections.  I'm not going to lie, this year has been hard.  I've struggled with school, my friends, boys, and internally with myself.  I was lost for a while.  It felt like I was making a lot of bad choices too often.

The first few months in college, I was trying to be the girl I always dreamed of being in high school.  The girl who was always desired and never rejected.  I was so done being invisible for so long. I didn't just want one person to notice me, I wanted everyone to notice me.  The first couple months it seemed like I was making out with a different guy every week.  I liked the attention.  The newness and excitement of college started to wear off and the homesickness started to kick in. I was on my way on a downward spiral.  I hit a low point that I never experienced before.  I lost it to someone who I didn't love and wasn't even close to loving. The weeks that followed were hard.  Prior to this incident, I knew I had to change but this one was the straw that broke the camel's back. At the time, I felt broken and I felt alone.  I confided in people but it didn't matter how many people I told.  The weight I bared never got lighter because it was my problem and I caused it and I was the only one who could deal with it.   After some time I learned to forgive myself and move on.

I'm still figuring out who I want to become but at least I know who I don't want to be.  I've learned so much and felt so much this year.  When I look back on 2013, I only think good things because the impact it had on me has shaped the person I am today.  So goodbye 2013, 2014 please be good to me.

Song I ended the year with:
Shake It Out - Florence and the Machine

Those First Three Months

College.  With Thanksgiving right around the corner, and the first three months of college wrapping up, I can't help but reflect on the journey I have over gone since I've been here.  The people I've met and the weird experiences and challenges I have encountered have definitely changed and shaped me.

Maybe it was because I am the baby of my family or because I was always dependent on others, but these past three months have been the hardest three months I have ever had to go through.  It was the first time in my life I've felt completely alone.  I have no one to turn to, I didn't know who I could trust or who would I could let my guard down around.  There were some people I felt finally got me but in a blink of an eye they were gone.  No more texts, no more calls, no more contact.  I blamed myself.  I wondered if it was my personality or because I wouldn't put out.  Other times, like with Troy, I could not handle myself well.  He was one of the only people who made the first month tolerable but I lost him.  I always thought I was good at letting people go, but every time it hurts just the same, never getting easier.

I've experienced things that wouldn't have crossed my mind back at home.  For example health scares, most of them just paranoia because I'm a hypochondriac.  I was given so much freedom so quickly that I didn't know how to handle myself.  There are so many nights I regret, so many things I've done that I wish I could have taken back.

I should have waited.  The one thing I've always fantasized about for so long was wasted on someone I hardly had feelings for.  Every time I think about it hurts and at times I want to cry.

College has definitely been a different experience than expected.  I've discovered so much about myself the hard way.  It definitely beats the shit out of you.  I don't think I have ever freaked out or stressed as much as I do in college.   There are times I feel so stressed about school and other stuff that I start to cry.  College is hard but I know it will be worth it.  Sometimes I feel like I can't handle it and I want to give up, but this is what I wanted.  I decided to go somewhere to become stronger; this is making me stronger.

All the boys here just want to hook up.  It makes me lose hope for boys.  I used to be a hopeless romantic.  I would daydream about my perfect love story while listening to music.  Sometimes in class my mind wanders around and daydreams, the only difference is now I don't have hope it will happen, because I know for a fact it won't.

With my family not near me and my home not close, two things that would depend on is my heart/love and my friends.  Here, at times I have neither.

I tell myself that it will get easier, so hopefully it will.  In these past three month I have realized the person i want to become.  I used think that sleeping around and hooking up with random people would be fun, but I know now that I don't work that way.  I want to be that kind of girl that doesn't care a lot, but i do care.  I want to be proud of myself, and so far I can't really say I fully am.  I've definitely made my fair share of mistakes in these past three months and I've learned from them.  I want to be proud of myself and be happy. I want to like the way I live not just settle to survive.

One Month of Opportunities and Countless Moments of Being Alone

I started college a month ago.  It's different than I thought it would be.  I thought I would make so many friends and would always be having fun, but its not like that.  I made a lot of friends at the start, but they all joined frats and there are a lot of times I feel alone.  I do have friends, but I'm in college, I want to meet a lot of people, you know? Maybe, the real problem is that I want to meet more boys.  All the guys I know are obsessed with hooking up and who they've laid.  And even those guys I don't see often, because of their duty to their respective fraternities.  I want to meet a group of people NOT in a frat.  People I can have fun with, you know?  I love my roommate and my other friends!  I really do! Its just different because they are all in relationships so they probably never feel fully alone.  Meanwhile, here I am feeling as empty as ever.  There is this guy, he's sweet and makes me feel special but sometimes I don't know where we are at.  I feel like our relationship was a lot more exciting when I was talking to other guys.  There are so many complications with this guy, some in my own head and others that are serious and real.  I love talking to him, I just don't know what it will lead to and I don't know what I want.

When I see a cute guy I choke up.  All my confidence leaves and I act like a loser.  People tell me I am pretty and that when I'm in college boys will be falling for me.  Well, I'm in college and boys are not necessarily falling for me.  All the guys I have met have wanted one thing.  Sex.  and not with me, just in general.  They don't care with who or when, they just do.  It was a harsh reality, but it was true.  I want to find someone I am completely head over heels into that wants me just as much.  But I don't think life works that way, at least for me.

I'm not happy right now, and I don't know what I can do to fix it.  The struggle of balancing my grades with trying to have a thriving social life is hard.  It is so hard.  I'm scared and I feel alone.  I'm clueless and lost and in need of guidance.  I feel ugly and worthless.  I don't like feeling like this but I do.

now

i hooked up with a boy a couple weeks ago.  it was everything i wanted to be: the girl who the guys wanted and was in control.  that feeling was not permanent though, the weeks following were torture.  I was a pawn in another person's game of chess.  the boy i hooked up with ended up having a girl friend.  i kept telling myself that i was happy it happened, and i am.  it's just harder to let go than i thought.  i wanted to be the girl who doesn't get attached but i am.  after a month, i'm still holding on to that one night. the night a hot, charming boy picked me over all the gorgeous, bikini ready, beach blonds at the party.  it was the first time i have ever been so intimately close to anyone.  i guess i'm just scared something that trilling won't happen twice, so i am holding on.

i've resorted to daydreaming again.  i have reached a stalemate in my life... an in-between stage, if you will.  Between summer vacation and moving out, a girl has a lot of time to think about her past life and what awaits for her in the future.  all my friends, close friends, have lost their virginity.  i never thought i would be one of the only ones that still have it.  they all did it with people they really cared for and it hurts me that i wasn't able to experience it.  i've wanted that for so long, but maybe that is why i never got it.  all my friends have experienced the whole relationship: "i'm so in love" thin. then there i am constantly wishing for it.  there are guys who want me but i want to be swooned.  maybe i'm looking for something that doesn't exist.  and the only reason i think it exists is because people settle for something less.  

i would say that recently i have realized that my thoughts have become more corrupt and cynical.  life isn't turning out how i planned it would.  between college, love, family, friends, and growing up... nothing is how i expected.  i always thought that things will always work for the better but that's not the case.  okay, i get that i couldn't get into my dream college, i get it.  i get that there will always be drama within my family or group of friends, okay.  but love, being a hopeless romantic, i always thought love would find a way. it doesn't.  people get trapped, forgotten, unnoticed, taken for granted, and lost when they find someone they care about.  the people i am closest to have shown me this.  i have seen the people i love more than anything hurt more than i can imagine, and there's nothing i can do.  I guess the curse was real.  the closest i have been to being swooned was being a fucking hook up to someone who doesn't give two shits about me now.  i am one of the many girls. 

I have convinced myself that maybe this is the best for me: to just be the girl to hook up with without the emotional relationship shit.  it would definitely help with my career to be an engineer.  which has played another part in my cynicism.  Everyone i am close to struggle with their money and/or use money for the wrong reasons.  money comes between relationships.  i don't that.  i want to be competent and have money not be a problem.  obviously relationships and love aren't for me, as much as i would die to experience being cherished by someone i adore.  it's okay, though.  i've been strong enough for many years and i can do it again.  

sometimes i cry because nothing is as it seemed and now im moving to somewhere i have to pave my own way.  i'm ready.  i am.  i am scared and nervous, but i know i can do this.  this moment is what i have been waiting for.  freedom.  responsibility.  change.  courage.  fearless.

here i am now...

It has been way too long since my last post.  Too long to give an update on everything that has happened to me.  So many changes, so many emotions, so many risks.  My happiness no longer lies where it used to, but in places I never would have thought were possible.  My asylum, no longer lies in the privacy of my room, but the expanding possibilities of the real world.  The rush of all the new people and the unexpected opportunities.  I no run away from fear of being outside of my comfort zone, but avoid the monster of over thinking everything. 

...

PARENTS ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!