The New Year!

New Year's Resolutions for 2012:

1) Over thinking? I don't think so...

I am trying not to over think things for the coming new year.  You would say I am the typical girl: over thinks everything and worries if it was the right decision.  Well, that's about to change.  I once read something upon the line of "over thinking will be the death of me," (paraphrase). This is definitely true for me.  You probably can't even imagine all of the crazy ideas and thoughts that run through my head.  First, it starts out as an idea or dream or infatuation.  Then, I start to obsess over it.  After, I convince myself to stop thinking about it, but then end up thinking about it even more because I know I'm not suppose to.  Then, I get mad at myself for having no will power.  I get depressed for a few days because the consummation of my brain is on overload and I have trouble thinking straight.  Then, I go back to stage one with a different idea or dream infatuation.  It's exhausting... it really is. This next year will be different.  I feel like this will also help me reduce stress.  I know it's easier said than done but I have a plan, which leads me to my next point:

2) No longer the couch potato

If you ask any of my family members you will find out that I am super lazy.  I almost next exercise.  I take pretty much a whole weekend to finish two loads of laundry.  And, the amount of time I spend on my homework is about the same as the time I spend on the internet.  I'm too lazy to do things that count.  I have been a victim of sloth and gluttony, and I am willing to change.  Not only will think help preoccupy me not to over think, but it will help me become a more well rounded person.  This resolution helps lead me to my final goal for the new year = become less shy/insecure. 

3) Shy? Me? No way!

I feel that being more active and getting out of my comfort zone will better be and help me become the person I want to be.  I have already started this resolution.  I have made more of an effort to be more outgoing.  I try to have no regrets.  Whenever faced with a dilemma on whether to act on something, I always think: would I rather regret something I did, or regret something I didn't do. and If you never try, you'll never know. I want to know how it feel to truly live life the way I want to, with no hang ups or problems.  I'm young and I should enjoy it.  It's my life and it's time to live it. 

never...

It seems like I can never fall in love just in deep infatuation...

Always you...

It seems like it doesn’t matter how hard I try to forget you because the thought of you always comes back. It’s you in my mind, in my dreams, in my heart… it’s always you…

I guess this is goodbye...

"Boy who shall not be named",

I am sad to inform you that I think this is goodbye. I have spent about a year being on and off about liking you. It was an irrational crush. I don't wish I could have taken back the time because it made me who I was. It was because of you I could not focus on my homework or in class. I would be constantly daydreaming of impossible scenarios. You made me exhausted because you would be kept running through my head. I never really knew you but the idea in my head of you was perfect. You were perfect... you SEEMED perfect. I would see your wall on Facebook and envy all those girls that would even get the chance to be close to you. It hurt because I had that chance.

I talk to you now. Though you are nice, all we can talk about is that video game we have in common. I would like to say we are friends, but I'm not quite sure. I would also like to say I am completely over you, but then again I am also not quite sure that is true. You always leave me hanging while we text and it really irks me. I become one with the 'typical girl' routine: constantly checking phone, getting giddy once you finally text me, wondering if what I'm typing is too much. Well, I'm over trying. I am trying to be your friend but you hardly give me a chance. It seems like the only way to get to you is talking about that stupid, addicting, video game and I can't live that way. It seems as though you only talk to me only because I play that certain video game. Well, then I think: Maybe it's a sign! Isn't this how most couples start? Them both liking the same thing and getting to know each other better? Then I think: This won't result in a relationship. If you did not play this game you would have never had the chance. But I do believe things are always meant to be. I believe there is a reason I play wow and so does he.

I know I should not play. My academics and the dreadful junior year would be more challenging with the game going on. At the same time wouldn't it act as a stress reliever? Well I feel like it's irrational, even my sister says so, but I might try and play with him. You never know until you do it, right? Also, even if my sister says its a bad idea, the best way to learn is through your mistakes so shouldn't I make my own? I think it's time to take charge of my own life and take responsibility for myself, because I'm tired for always being the person saying "I should have done it!"

This entry was suppose to be a goodbye to the "boy who shall not be named" but I'll just put him on hold. I won't fawn over him anymore, so goodbye to the fan-girl side of me for him, but I will go with the flow of things, which ever way it turns out. This is also a goodbye to the part of my being that held me back whenever I wanted to do something.

It's the season of fall, the season of change. When all those bloomed flowers fall to the cold weather. It is time for change. Time to transition to the person I want to be. To my past, negative feelings, bad attitude, and irrational actions... I guess this is goodbye.

ruins everything...

my ______ seems to ruin everything! Then i think about it...and in a sense that person is right...

Everything went into place when I remembered this quote: Don't make someone a priority in your life if you are merely an option in theirs.

Why did it have to be me?

Yup... I was the only one of my friends who did not get asked to homecoming. Hmmm well there must be something wrong with me... the worst part is that my friends are guilting me into going. Honestly it is so FUCKING annoying because they don't understand what it's like to be the one who is always being over shined by someone else. Well, maybe they do but that's not the point. I can't help but feel stupid for making such a big deal out of this but I can't help it... it hurts so much. What's wrong with me? am I not attractive enough? not skinny enough? not flirty enough? is it because I refuse to let my boobs hang out like most girls? or maybe its because I'm forgettable. What ever the reason is I am still one of the few girls that have not been asked. I am still stressing about the reasons why it had to be me to go through this pain. Why me? Seriously, why the fuck did it have to be me? I know there is a reason for everything, but if that is the case what is the reason for this? Is there something wrong that this is suppose to serve as a punishment for? UGH! Well... I hope I realize the reason soon... because it really hurts seeing someone getting asked to a dance and know that you may never get to feel that feeling.  All I want is to be ask to a dance or something! I guess I'm just upset that a boy saw something in each of my friends but none of them saw something in me. I just never realized how low I was on the 'how much appeal on guys do you have?' scale until now.  It's unfortunate.  On the bright side I had broken my shyness shell and actually reached out to other people.  That will always be something I have that my friends don't (not in a bitchy or selfish way though).  I hope the reason I was the one to get the short end of the stick is because God knows I'm strong enough to stand it or because there is something good to come out of it... I really hope so...

Makes me sad...

It makes me sad to know how closed minded my parents are. Stop trying so hard to be so superior. In the end you are just going to end up being alone. You guys make people lose respect for you. You guys try to put up this act of being perfect: having the perfect house, family, jobs. In reality, everything is a sham. Like the gilded age in history: glitter of the gilded age covered a multitude of sins. Soon the house will be empty because no one will dare come back to this toxic place. Our family, full of fights, is never fully at peace, someone is always annoyed or hurt. As for the jobs, well, maybe those are the only things decent in our family... My life...sometimes it hurts... sometimes there is no light to look to.

Painfully and Utterly Aggravated...

My parents are being so immature... well mostly my mom. I have never felt the urge to scream or hit something so bad in my life. It all started a few days ago: I bring up the whole thing about getting a car. My dad does what he does best: ignores everything he does not want to hear. In fact, he only listens to the things that he will later try to preach to his family. My mom on the other hand, gets all worked up and starts playing devil's advocate. Bickering like there is no tomorrow. Okay, I admit I was a fault because I ended up screaming at her, but can you blame me? She is so closed minded and never even tries to understand where I am coming from! She thinks she knows and assumes that everything is just dandy. In reality, it's just her being lazy, lazy with everything. She's too lazy to understand, too lazy actually do something, too lazy even try to help. She looks at you and tells you that if she could take the pain away she would, but how could she, if all you see is that judgmental look and the voice that constantly lectures you on what you need to do next. My parents say that they will support me with whatever I choose to do, but what won't tell me is that they will secretly judge me.

Cowardly...

For a long time now I've been wanting to see people: my friend's band play and this 'cute boy'. Well...Last night I got to see both. I was able to talk to my friend but not 'cute boy'. I honestly did not even recognize him. Well, a week or two ago I promised myself that if I ever saw him I would just walk up to him and say hi or at least do something... but I didn't... I don't even know him that well and he is taking over all my thoughts at the moment. I call this being a coward. I wasn't brave enough to just say hi... what the fuck and I? Ugh!!! So...I came up with a list of reasons why I should stop thinking about him...1) remember his flaws (he didn't text you and for being slightly shady (for asking for other digits while having a gf). 2) Know my priorities... and he is not one of them. If I ever get involved with him it will just be distraction and it will weigh me down. 3) I have to be comfortable with my self before getting comfortable with boys. I have self respect and self value but I don't have that much self confidence. I know I have to believe him myself more so others can believe in me too. But its harder to do than it seems. If I know he's so bad for me and I want to get rid of him so bad, why does it hurt so bad? Why does it hurt knowing I missed out and might not see him for a long time. I hate how I act like such a girl when it comes to certain guys...I hate it...I hate defining myself as cowardly...

What is love?

Really, what is love? We all now it is something you feel, like an emotion, but do you ever know if its love or just some infatuation with someone. And can anyone ever describe what love is anyway? I always ask people what does it feel like to be in love, they always say the same thing: "it's the best thing in the world," or "It feels like a really strong bond with someone," (no shit)... or sometimes they will say, "some day you will find out." But when will I find out, if I don't know how it feels.

Don't get me wrong, sometimes I get this feeling when I see a cute boy, the feeling where everything seems to slowdown while your eye meet. Most of the time it's just in my head though. I know that can't be love because 'that cute boy' ends up being one of those popular scumbags that make fun of the weird people, the same people that make you sick for being so cruel.

Well, anyways, this idea for writing this passage came to me because my mind was drifting away in a day dream and in that dream, I said, "I love you", to that mystery boy... that mystery boy I don't even know.

I am so weird and complex... usually girls don't have trouble talking to guys and then start to have feelings for them after knowing each other for a while. Me? I'm quite the opposite. Once I see a cute guy I get all nervous and curl into my security shell. So I usually never make it to the part when you actually talk to them on a regular bases. I always dwell about how I used to be outgoing, but now I realize that by doing that is not going to make me outgoing again. My group is super shy so that does not really help... If I ever want to put myself out there I need to over come this fear of rejection and pain. I feel like its something I have to do.

The way I am.

It may sound weird or familiar to you... but I have a problem. Not a big problem concerning health or anything major; to some it might not even be considered a problem. Well the thing is I really cannot talk to any cute guy. I used to be able to a few years ago... but I think this one fight my parents had really screwed with me. I know some people are who they are because of their family history. For instance, some girls end up being sluts because of the absence of their father. Well in my case, I'm not a slut and I do have a dad. In fact I see him everyday... I just do not really have a relationship with him. That could be a reason for my being antisocial towards most boys. A few times these boys have showed interest in me, but being the person I am I pushed them away. Only later to realize how bad a choice it was. Although I really do not like this form of behavior I have been exhibiting, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is suppose to teach me to step out of my comfort zone or take more risk... or maybe it is suppose to help be get over my fear of rejection. Sometimes I wish I could be someone else... a person who lives without regret, who has no hang ups, who does not care what others think, who takes risks... a person who is not a afraid to live once and a while... I mean really live to fullest...then maybe I would have exactly what I want and be exactly who I want to be. But then I take a step back and realize if I were that person then everything would be different: my set of friends, my family, even me. I wouldn't be me, not even close. Personally, I ultimately like the way I am, although I feel like I can improve in some ways, I like me.

part of my past.

It's not like I have been thinking of this guy or anything, but I a post of him on facebook and it reminded me of my past experiences with him. We met in summer camp the summer before 7th grade, 8th grade for him. I actually got to hang out with him the next summer at the same camp. We spent a good 5 weeks being friends, two of those we was at another camp but we never failed to text each other. Unfortunately for me, I knew he only thought of me as a friend, while I, being the hopeless romantic that I am, really liked him but chose to keep that a secret except for my closest friend. The rest gone a little messy but to sum i
t up, this girl found out and thought it would help if she told him... sooo stupid. Our relationship was never the same. I remember the day the awkwardness started: we were are raging waters. The stupid girl that spilled the beans told him in a line for this water slide. He told a camp leader that we would wait by the meet spot. My friends deciding to go to the tidal pool resulted in me almost drowning because two fat girls didn't know how to jump and decided it would be best to use me as leverage...by the way one of those girls is 'the stupid girl that spilled the beans.' Then this leader grabbed my boob and I ended up swimming to the shallow end and walked to the meeting place. The guy was there alone just lying down, with his shirt off... really can you torture me anymore? It wasn't a good day... The next day he didn't show up to camp. My last two days at camp was a legit hardcore camping trip on a beach. We actually talked and when I was laying down in my super, large, 8-person tent he laid on my stomach/hip. There were a lot of us but still... :) I never really talked to him again, I mean we would say the occasional 'happy birthday' and whatever. He's going to be a senior this coming year... I don't like him in that way anymore but honestly he was one of those people that you connect with and everything seems effortless. Maybe I'll try to talk to him again before I never see him again once we goes off to start his life. Hopefully he did not change like the 90% that do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm glad he was part of my past.

...too weak

My friend has this band... I could say that I am friends with them... but now that I think about it, they are exposed to a new herizon of people, soon to have seas of fans, and millions of girls falling over them. I realized that me, being the one person that I am, probably doesnt have the impact to have them remember me forever. One day, they are going to be big and I will just be a stranger walking down the street and seeing posters of thier band playing this coming weekend. I will no longer be considered a friend but a person the lead singer once knew, a memory that is soon to fade away. I might see them tomorrow... and although my friend, the lead singer, tells me that I should hang out with them. I can't help to feel the distance... the feeling where they are not even on my level anymore. Maybe its just me being doubtful or lacking self confidence but the feeling is real and at times it hurts. It hurts knowing that your too weak to accept them becoming famous and too weak to know that you are good enough to hang out with them. I have to keep reminding my self that I am good enough... and if i just stay the way i am and be myself its better than forming into the template of thier fangirls. I don't know what I really want with that group of guys... it could be a boyfriend, guy friends, the music, or it could just be that i want to be close to them. Some of those guys, I've known since I was in elementry school, we grew up together... plus they are of the few that i actually liked because everyone else were douchebags... So i guess it goes back to how I hate the feeling of losing people... and broken relationships...

Falling Apart...

Its been a year since my last entry and let me say that many things have changed. The way my family is. My friends. and my out look on life. so here is what i have been feeling:

I may seem okay...from the outside... from the view of my friends, bystanders, and strangers. I may seem okay when my parents fight. I may seem okay when i see my sister and brother-in-law argue. I may seem okay when I am under stress or when I am secretly sad. But deep inside i'm not okay. I always want to enjoy the moment... my last two years at home before college. At the rate things are going its seems like my family is falling apart... My parents havn't talked in two months... my dad pays me to do his laundry... is this what love is? My whole life I believed that love was perfect... very movie-ish. In reality you will alway get hurt it seems. I feel alone going through this. My friends dont understand and my sister has her own problems to deal with. This is my life right now. I am thankful for all the things that my family does for me... its just I wonder what is going to happen when I do go to college? What will happen to my parents... will they still be together or with they split? Will i ever see them again...

All I can do is imagine... imagine the perfect day where my family are all laughing together on sunday during lunch, like how we used to not so long ago... By the coldness between my parents it seems like that was years ago. Everyone was happy back then... no big problems. No running upstairs when you heared the garage door open to avoid the awkwardness. Two more years... although i want to cherish my every moment here i know there is more out there for me. I have to admit that my mom and I have gotten closer since my dad has been MIA. I happy that I know that she is always there for me.